Ask Yourself This....

Not too long ago, Turtle sent me an e-mail with some questions that required examination of my overall view on our poly lifestyle. I answered those, hit send to all my partners, and they all sent back with answers of their own. I'll compile here in the same format we use for TMI, along with Turtle's words before she wrote the questions.

______________________________

date Fri, Jan 9, 2009 at 12:43 PM
subject lily

Next weekend marks our quad's six month anniversary. I'm happy to say that my insecurities have decreased. I am feeling more confident in my new relationship and less internally pressured to perform. Meaning, I feel like I can allow myself to relax and just be me rather than trying so hard to please everyone. My loves have convinced me that they won't leave and they do love me no matter what I do. The arguments that occur come from misunderstandings and prior sensitivities. They don't last very long though because we spend enough time with each other that we are able to talk it out.


At the six month mark, I'd like to pose some questions to the group;
1) Has New Relationship Energy leveled out yet?
2) How do you feel about our progress?
3) In what ways do you feel that this arrangement has helped you?
4) In what ways do you feel that this relationship has strained you?

______________________________

Our answers are thus:

1) Has New Relationship Energy leveled out yet?
Lily : I'm starting to doubt that NRE will ever level out. My affections and excitement for Theus only increases.
Bear : Yes, it is starting to.
Theus : No, I dont think the NRE has leveled out either. I feel just as Lily. It just works.
Turtle : No, I do not think NRE has leveled out. Everyone moves at different speeds and insecurities spawn from hesitation as well as falling into the passion.

2) How do you feel about our progress?
Lily : I feel that we started out too aggressive. In my musings on normal progress of monogamous relationships, it just seems we didn't really give room to allow normal growth. Rather, we forced the paths we're on. We're mildly unhealthy in the sense that we're far too obsessive. We have other aspects of our lives that are just as important as our relationships with our lovers. But we've also learned to learn from all of that, we are easing up, we learn more about each other and how to handle our own individual selves. We are growing.
Bear : We are a lot closer than we were previously.
Theus : I do think we have made great progress as a group, supporting each other and working and talking through our problems. We still have some things to iron out, but I believe we will get there.
Turtle : I am amazed at our progress. We have become a tight family with definite roles. I don’t know how we survived prior to this.


3) In what ways do you feel that this arrangement has helped you?
Lily : Our poly relationships give me cause for hope, in realizing there is more to love stories than the restrictive societal norm. It allowed me to love more than I thought I could. The arrangement has given me more than anyone could - a family. This also let me out of the house more often. :P This also helped me to learn how to be an effective adult, lol. To cook, to clean, to learn patience.
Bear : I've learned to express how I feel better.
Theus : As far as helping me personally, let me count the ways. My children have twice as many adults to turn to, as do my dogs (important to me), and I have close friends around me all the time. I NEVER get tired of that.
Turtle : This arrangement has helped me by giving me a stronger foundation of ‘family’ at home.

4) In what ways do you feel that this relationship has strained you?
Lily : It's strained me in the sense that we can only do so much. Everyone is immediately too easily insecure about each other. We can only do what's best in others' eyes, we hold back, we get butt-hurt over the littlest things. We keep cutting up time. It's also strained me in the sexual and emotional sense - everyone is so focused on the sexual aspect, on the attention-getting or attention-giving. I don't care about sex, nor do I want it all the time.
Bear : I just feel stuck sometimes when I can't do what I want unless it affects the others.
Theus : Initially, I was a bit strained by my own insecurities. I have worked through most of them, but I still have some to work on. I guess I always will.
Turtle : The strain from the relationship comes from stretching out of the comfort of security.

And our extra comments:
Lily : A little more on this. I wanted to mention that I never expected relationships to benefit me only for the sake of fixing me or helping me, like a job, cell phone, etc. I appreciate all the help I got, though. I want relationships because I want romance, passion, fun, and conversation. I like to to be just me, not expected to ease someone else's desires or whatnot. I want my partners to simply want to be with me, to love me.
Theus : Over all, I love what we have. It can be challenging at times, but it is well worth it. Criticize me if You must, but I love you all, and I'm not afraid to say it.

______________________________

We're trying to respect each other's boundaries and differences. We're having to learn how to be around each other. Some of these following examples are just some of the things we're still having to grasp. It seems simple in writing, but the daily task of 'polyness' is harder than people really think.

• Just because one person [A] wants or needs less time with another person [B] does not mean that A loves B less.
• In addition, just because one person [A] wants more time with the other person [C] rather than [B], mainly balancing out quality time, does not always mean A desires C more than B.
  
• Even while insecurities are usually invalid or irrational, they're spawning from something real that's going on inside and need some personal understanding.
• Regarding negotiations and compromises, some of us usually end up just going along with the popular vote of the moment regardless of our inner dissent. This is a bad idea, this spawns resentment. We also tend to blame someone else for making bad choices for the group, whether thinking it or verbalizing it.
• Regarding the last example, we need to remember to own up to our own shit and, if one person disagrees, their responsibility now is to give alternative suggestion or solution rather than mumbling 'I don't know'.
• We all have varying degrees of sexuality, sex drives, and tolerance/need for affection. Respect those differences and find commonalities.
• Private space is usually necessary. This goes back to the first example, with a little tweak: Just because A needs more private time to self does not mean A does not want or desire or need B, C, and D.
• Need for communication and methods of communication actually varies, believe it or not. In the heat of the moment, when all parties are upset, it's best to have a cooling period. Plus, smart-ass remarks or inappropriate jokes are NOT generally considered positive communication in moment of seriousness.
• Pick your battles, man. Pick your battles. Some things are not worth getting butthurt over, or if you must be butthurt, don't hold long grudges over stupid things. Hold back on momentary anger that tends to spill over to the innocent or wayward party. Then share the shit going on in your head so we can all understand what the hell to do about it when it happens again the next time.
  

I could actually go on and on, but these are all things that all four of us are generally guilty of recently. The good thing is, we trudge on with stubbornness. Our combining forces of pessimism on one side and optimism on the other side makes things kind of fun. Re-reading over the list, I find it interesting that this actually applies to all sorts of relationships, not just polyamory. A lot of these things are really personal, individual growths, as well. How we handle other people in our lives, how we handle ourselves, the choices we have, and the paths we make for ourselves.

We chose to be poly, honestly. We chose to combine our relationships. The hard part about it is choosing HOW to be poly (or any person in a relationship of any kind). You can be the kind of person who expects everyone to work hard to be with you, to cater to you. You can be the kind of person who'd rather not face up to their own problems or insecurities. You can be the kind of person who is willing to openly communicate and not blame everyone else for things that you could have prevented/helped yourself. The thing is, people can vary between all of those tendencies. One person can vary between all of those tendencies, even.

Sometimes we have a hard time simply allowing our relationships to evolve, rather than pushing it. We like to push it and it's usually a mistake to. We have to learn when to back off and let a relationship breathe. We have to learn when to vent and when to find a better time to. We can't analyze a person constantly, we have to understand and accept all their other little quirks to love them. At least, ideally, that's what would help us in the growth of our relationships.

I think another important thing about any relationship is yourself. Ourselves. The one component out of all the components. It's unhealthy to depend on someone to be the person you want them to be. Alternatively, it's unhealthy to be someone someone else wants you to be. I think the most important thing is to be who YOU want to be.

So, ask yourself this. What have you truly learned lately? In learning something, is this really an improvement, a progress? Or, essentially, is this a growth that's necessary? I wonder if improvement equals growth. Sometimes I feel in some instances improvement in some things isn't always vital to one person's growth. I don't think there's going backwards or there is ever NOT an improvement in anything.