It began in July 2008. Now, it's April and we're in the aftermath of two birthday parties. Our quad has ended here, nine months later. I'm not discouraged for the poly world; we were and are still new to it. In fact, I uphold that polyamory works. It depends on the people involved.
In our case, it was the declining of two primary relationships. The disharmonious chords of stress and anger just kind of made it all crumble. Theus and Turtle are in the process of divorce that everyone had long awaited. They just said to each other, "It's time". There is no bitterness between them, no anger, just respect and civility. They are prepared to hold up an united front for the children. They just can't live together anymore; no romance nor passion lived between them. They are simply friends.
Bear and I? We were pushing ourselves to the end. We were best friends, but held on to expectations of romance, sex, and partners in life. Fights escalated between us. Fear and frustration only sped up the fights. It hurt to break up, but the fact was we had different dreams, different expectations, and different methods of communication. We barely could compromise. Now, we are working on staying as best friends - it feels better this way. The expectations drop. We talk better.
I've moved in with Theus permanently as Turtle has moved in with Bear. Discussions of house arrangements, custody of children (and dogs), and monogamy prevailed among us. Theus has announced that he no longer wants poly. Turtle stated that she felt like we were still a family regardless of the absence of the emotional and sexual polyamorous state. We still plan to be close friends and a family; the hanging out, the cook outs, the parties, the concerts, the children, the friends we share, and so forth.
It's not really an end of us. It's an end of the configuration we held onto. We won't be switching anymore nor having group nights as poly. Theus and I will be monogamous, as well as Bear and Turtle. We don't want to be out of each other's lives. For one, it would be impossible. Second, we all do love each other.
April 8, 2009
April 3, 2009
Poly Ain’t Swinging
Recently we had another wave of discourse in our relationships. I think I’m seeing a pattern. When we spend too much time in separate couples we seem to start developing sides because we are spending more quality time with one of our partners and start to understand them better.
I get annoyed at my husband Theus because I notice he snaps at me but is always gentle and agrees with Lily (even when she says the same thing). Even Lily noticed and called him out on it. Lily loves me and is always here to support me.
So, I’m sure when I’m with Bear I may bring up an incident with Theus and he helps me work it out or just lets me vent. However, if he wants to vent about Lily, I can’t stand it. I don’t want to hear any pain. I want them to be happy or else it will all fall apart. I guess I am not an equal opportunity ventor.
The pattern other than my own selfcenteredness is that when we half an unequal amount of group nights and switch nights is when troubles start to brood. We have said numerous times that we should do one switch and one group a week (we’re already together everyday, we just sleep in different houses). But, as soon as we set this, the next week one of us will decide to extend the switch and it’s fine with all. Apparently, it builds.
Poly relationships are quite the balancing act. I noticed this yesterday because we had a great group day. Working in the yard, kids playing with the neighbors, cleaning and cooking together, and watching movies. It was wonderful! I started thinking that things always get better when we're all together.
I get annoyed at my husband Theus because I notice he snaps at me but is always gentle and agrees with Lily (even when she says the same thing). Even Lily noticed and called him out on it. Lily loves me and is always here to support me.
So, I’m sure when I’m with Bear I may bring up an incident with Theus and he helps me work it out or just lets me vent. However, if he wants to vent about Lily, I can’t stand it. I don’t want to hear any pain. I want them to be happy or else it will all fall apart. I guess I am not an equal opportunity ventor.
The pattern other than my own selfcenteredness is that when we half an unequal amount of group nights and switch nights is when troubles start to brood. We have said numerous times that we should do one switch and one group a week (we’re already together everyday, we just sleep in different houses). But, as soon as we set this, the next week one of us will decide to extend the switch and it’s fine with all. Apparently, it builds.
Poly relationships are quite the balancing act. I noticed this yesterday because we had a great group day. Working in the yard, kids playing with the neighbors, cleaning and cooking together, and watching movies. It was wonderful! I started thinking that things always get better when we're all together.
April 1, 2009
Oh?...
I started to call Lily on her not responding my texts. Not only did they consist of scheduling, but simple tings like “I love you”, still no response. I would ask questions and she wouldn’t respond. One day I picked up her phone to see if she just hasn’t checked it in a while as she claimed. It turns out that she talks to Theus but choses not to answer me. It has become very clear that my place with her is very low.
Since I pointed this out she has been talking to me. I believe she wants this to work as much as I do I really miss my friend. We never do anything together anymore. She never wants to do a group night so we’re basically fidelous swingers now. She used to be attracted to me.
I want everything. I want us all to live together. I want my husband, my boyfriend, my children, and my best friend. I just want us all to be happy. Maybe that isn’t what Lily wants. She is a wonderful mother to my chidren. I often feel like I shoud just get out of the way. She is so creative and loving. I am so structured and controlled.
I do enjoy my time at her house. It is so peaceful and calm. I try to leave her place a nice sanctuary to come home to. I feel like I belong there, but soon get told this isn’t my house either. I don’t know where I belong.
I do enjoy Lily’s plans, she forgets to include Bear and I in the planning so we often feel uninvited. I am the boring one who tries to find food and gas money. She’s the fun one who plans parties.
My husband is still in bed asleep. He didn’t go to work today. I imagine he’ll get up after lunchtime. He always sleeps this late when he’s off.
Happy Birthday Lily.
Since I pointed this out she has been talking to me. I believe she wants this to work as much as I do I really miss my friend. We never do anything together anymore. She never wants to do a group night so we’re basically fidelous swingers now. She used to be attracted to me.
I want everything. I want us all to live together. I want my husband, my boyfriend, my children, and my best friend. I just want us all to be happy. Maybe that isn’t what Lily wants. She is a wonderful mother to my chidren. I often feel like I shoud just get out of the way. She is so creative and loving. I am so structured and controlled.
I do enjoy my time at her house. It is so peaceful and calm. I try to leave her place a nice sanctuary to come home to. I feel like I belong there, but soon get told this isn’t my house either. I don’t know where I belong.
I do enjoy Lily’s plans, she forgets to include Bear and I in the planning so we often feel uninvited. I am the boring one who tries to find food and gas money. She’s the fun one who plans parties.
My husband is still in bed asleep. He didn’t go to work today. I imagine he’ll get up after lunchtime. He always sleeps this late when he’s off.
Happy Birthday Lily.
March 31, 2009
Dynamics of our Quad
We're still here, just barely. A quad made up of two women and two men. We're really not so unique. We've evolved and yet we're still fragile as a group. Sometimes I wonder if the individuals within the group are meshed right for the polyfidelity lifestyle we uphold.
When we started, it used to be that two women loved each other as well as the men, being excited about calling ourselves polyamorous and embarking on a new adventure. However, distance between the two women grew. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with us being good friends and sharing boyfriend/hubby. I think our preference is with the men. We, Turtle and I, have no real sexual ties to each other. The emotional ties are ones of distant sisterhood and sharing motherhood with her children.
Lately, I find myself aloof from Turtle. It feels comfortable this way, simply switching our men. I find that I am comfortable with one on one more so than the whole group altogether. I like the whole group altogether once in a while, not frequently. I'm not so overwhelmed then, especially with the noise, the conversations that I get lost and left behind with, the boundaries each have that bounces off of each other, and the differing desires of each.
My plannings are separate from hers. I don't like to be overwhelmed by her plans or to be told what her plans are for us to do (usually telling us "her" plan when it was already our plan). So we have a sort of tacit agreement between us that we have our own plans. I plan the birthdays, the kids' events, the organization of the house, the changes in rooms and house, and my money. She plans the Atlanta trips, her money, Princess' (autistic daughter) monthly gifts, and her own schedules.
Bear and Turtle have embarked together on the chicken farming business. I support where I can, helped move cages sometimes, and make noises about how pretty the chickens are. Turtle and Bear are raising chicks together. She went to her first farmers' auction with Bear this past weekend. I think he's proud of her. They cleaned my home as my 'birthday gift'. She prefers the lifestyle of our home; the quiet, the sex with Bear, the relaxation, the occasional loneliness, and the trips to the auctions and flea markets. As high maintenance as she is, I think she needs that.
Theus and I are starting our own business. We are cautiously starting small. We made space in the basement, we ordered a machine, we are working on getting materials and supplies, we discussed and designed at length the products we want to create. We worked on Pony Girl's room; clearing out boxes, organizing toys, and putting the dresser from the basement in her room. We also found Princess' and Pony Girl's old clothes to sell on ebay. I prefer the not-so-lonely life of their house; the children, the chores, the dinners, the dogs, the projects, and the conversations and sex with Theus.
Lately, we had a big fight over the phone. Bear's issue is that I don't talk to him enough. He needs for me to text him everyday that I'm not with him. He needs to stay in touch constantly. He complained that when I go home with him, that I'm tired and want to sleep earlier, like I don't want to be with him. He kept telling me he was hurting badly over not getting enough attention from me. It baffled me that he continued to say that and accuse me of all of those things. He would keep saying that I preferred Theus over him. He kept going on and on with the texts, I got so upset that I cried.
I know I try to engage him as soon as I see him, but he'd be withdrawn or moody. I kept having to coax him out. Sometimes I tried to talk to him on the way back home. Yes, sometimes I'm tired on those weekdays and I collapse to catch a breath in the peace after the chaos. Then, when we're off on Thursday and Friday, he uses those times he has with me to go with his dad to do small jobs, to fix cages, or other random things. He talked to his dad every night at around the same time, usually interrupting our movie time to do so or sometimes even our cuddle time. (Although, lately, we hardly watch movies much together anymore). Not to mention he does all of that on weekends; auctions, flea markets, odd jobs, hanging out with dad. The weekend is usually his time with Turtle. If it had been my time, and sometimes I have weekends with him, it would still be the same thing. I spent a lot of time alone to myself last summer before this group formed - it's the same deal. I remember feeling just as neglected - as he does when I don't communicate fully (from time to time I'll reply) on the weekends. I remember feeling lonely and when he came home, he was always angry about something, always ready to blame me for something. Those days were hard on the both of us.
I'm trying not to paint him as the bad guy, but this is how I feel about the things he kept accusing me of. The reason I am usually more affectionate with Theus is because he initiates contact. I don't always have to chase and chase and chase to get anything. Bear has complained before that I don't chase after him anymore, that I don't try to hug or kiss him as much. He keeps getting dejected every weekend because I'm not ALWAYS replying to him or ALWAYS texting him, and then he keeps saying that I never want to come home to him. After Turtle asked him if she could stay one more day, he said something to the effect of "They always make plans without telling us, but I don't wanna do that. Ask her." Theus and I had the immediate reaction of, "YEAH RIGHT". I know Bear and Turtle always make plans without us. After it was all agreed, I had sent Turtle $20 for food and gas, and he said, "See, she doesn't want to come home". I was like, WTF. God, victim much??
Then, there's today. I spent most of the day taking pictures of the toys for ebay, feeding the kids, listening to music, playing with the kids, and doing some quick clean-ups where needed. It was actually a fairly calm and lazy day, besides the neighbor complaining about the dogs although they are fenced in and rather tame. Then when Theus got home, it was a blur. Get ready, go to Karate, shop for cleaning supplies, dog food, and some party stuff, then go home, cook dinner, clean house, eat dinner, argue, and then Bear and I leave with our dogs and things. However, when we were shopping after Karate, Turtle texted Theus saying the house stunk. It briefly upset him because we spent everyday cleaning and organizing some room or the other, then we ran out of cleaning supplies yesterday. One of the dogs is old, senile, blind, and deaf - she tends to poop everywhere, even in the five minutes we're not home. We had been gone around 2 hours when Bear and Turtle came up. Couldn't she notice the nicely arranged girl's room? Or the boys clean room? Or the clear hallway? Or maybe go downstairs and see a cleared out space for the machine? Or the fact that most of the house was clean?
Anyway, I'm home now and I definitely appreciate the work Bear and Turtle have done. I was only irritated by one thing. The clothes rack was placed right next to the desk in a way that crowded me and half the desk. Bear fixed that pretty quickly and I love the space. Bear got me one of the best birthday gifts you could get for me! A strawberry shortcake cake! The big one. With whipped cream frosting. Very delicious. I'm glad the whole house is very organized, clean, and smells fantastic (other than the smell of chicks in the second bedroom). Also just in time for a family visit. Whew.
So, there it is. The dynamics of our quad - the great divides. I sound stuffy in this post, but I've distanced myself from the whole thing. I feel so tired and so drained emotionally. I'm incredibly depressed most of the time now but I try not to be. A lot of it is from dealing with shit as it comes up lately; the fights, the accusations, the blame, the expectations (Turtle and Bear both have called me out on the texting thing which actually makes me want to just break the phone and never text again - then I can plan and budget and play with kids and converse with whoever in peace). Some of it is from restraining myself from doing the same at them; I have SO many problems with them that I don't fuss at them about because it will just make them defensive and Turtle would just have a meltdown. Instead I try to keep peace mostly for my own sanity; although if they were to confront me yet again, they'd better be prepared to see me break the phone. A lot of that are also from other dark thoughts and emotions that I don't wish to share just yet, not really with anyone.
When we started, it used to be that two women loved each other as well as the men, being excited about calling ourselves polyamorous and embarking on a new adventure. However, distance between the two women grew. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with us being good friends and sharing boyfriend/hubby. I think our preference is with the men. We, Turtle and I, have no real sexual ties to each other. The emotional ties are ones of distant sisterhood and sharing motherhood with her children.
Lately, I find myself aloof from Turtle. It feels comfortable this way, simply switching our men. I find that I am comfortable with one on one more so than the whole group altogether. I like the whole group altogether once in a while, not frequently. I'm not so overwhelmed then, especially with the noise, the conversations that I get lost and left behind with, the boundaries each have that bounces off of each other, and the differing desires of each.
My plannings are separate from hers. I don't like to be overwhelmed by her plans or to be told what her plans are for us to do (usually telling us "her" plan when it was already our plan). So we have a sort of tacit agreement between us that we have our own plans. I plan the birthdays, the kids' events, the organization of the house, the changes in rooms and house, and my money. She plans the Atlanta trips, her money, Princess' (autistic daughter) monthly gifts, and her own schedules.
Bear and Turtle have embarked together on the chicken farming business. I support where I can, helped move cages sometimes, and make noises about how pretty the chickens are. Turtle and Bear are raising chicks together. She went to her first farmers' auction with Bear this past weekend. I think he's proud of her. They cleaned my home as my 'birthday gift'. She prefers the lifestyle of our home; the quiet, the sex with Bear, the relaxation, the occasional loneliness, and the trips to the auctions and flea markets. As high maintenance as she is, I think she needs that.
Theus and I are starting our own business. We are cautiously starting small. We made space in the basement, we ordered a machine, we are working on getting materials and supplies, we discussed and designed at length the products we want to create. We worked on Pony Girl's room; clearing out boxes, organizing toys, and putting the dresser from the basement in her room. We also found Princess' and Pony Girl's old clothes to sell on ebay. I prefer the not-so-lonely life of their house; the children, the chores, the dinners, the dogs, the projects, and the conversations and sex with Theus.
Lately, we had a big fight over the phone. Bear's issue is that I don't talk to him enough. He needs for me to text him everyday that I'm not with him. He needs to stay in touch constantly. He complained that when I go home with him, that I'm tired and want to sleep earlier, like I don't want to be with him. He kept telling me he was hurting badly over not getting enough attention from me. It baffled me that he continued to say that and accuse me of all of those things. He would keep saying that I preferred Theus over him. He kept going on and on with the texts, I got so upset that I cried.
I know I try to engage him as soon as I see him, but he'd be withdrawn or moody. I kept having to coax him out. Sometimes I tried to talk to him on the way back home. Yes, sometimes I'm tired on those weekdays and I collapse to catch a breath in the peace after the chaos. Then, when we're off on Thursday and Friday, he uses those times he has with me to go with his dad to do small jobs, to fix cages, or other random things. He talked to his dad every night at around the same time, usually interrupting our movie time to do so or sometimes even our cuddle time. (Although, lately, we hardly watch movies much together anymore). Not to mention he does all of that on weekends; auctions, flea markets, odd jobs, hanging out with dad. The weekend is usually his time with Turtle. If it had been my time, and sometimes I have weekends with him, it would still be the same thing. I spent a lot of time alone to myself last summer before this group formed - it's the same deal. I remember feeling just as neglected - as he does when I don't communicate fully (from time to time I'll reply) on the weekends. I remember feeling lonely and when he came home, he was always angry about something, always ready to blame me for something. Those days were hard on the both of us.
I'm trying not to paint him as the bad guy, but this is how I feel about the things he kept accusing me of. The reason I am usually more affectionate with Theus is because he initiates contact. I don't always have to chase and chase and chase to get anything. Bear has complained before that I don't chase after him anymore, that I don't try to hug or kiss him as much. He keeps getting dejected every weekend because I'm not ALWAYS replying to him or ALWAYS texting him, and then he keeps saying that I never want to come home to him. After Turtle asked him if she could stay one more day, he said something to the effect of "They always make plans without telling us, but I don't wanna do that. Ask her." Theus and I had the immediate reaction of, "YEAH RIGHT". I know Bear and Turtle always make plans without us. After it was all agreed, I had sent Turtle $20 for food and gas, and he said, "See, she doesn't want to come home". I was like, WTF. God, victim much??
Then, there's today. I spent most of the day taking pictures of the toys for ebay, feeding the kids, listening to music, playing with the kids, and doing some quick clean-ups where needed. It was actually a fairly calm and lazy day, besides the neighbor complaining about the dogs although they are fenced in and rather tame. Then when Theus got home, it was a blur. Get ready, go to Karate, shop for cleaning supplies, dog food, and some party stuff, then go home, cook dinner, clean house, eat dinner, argue, and then Bear and I leave with our dogs and things. However, when we were shopping after Karate, Turtle texted Theus saying the house stunk. It briefly upset him because we spent everyday cleaning and organizing some room or the other, then we ran out of cleaning supplies yesterday. One of the dogs is old, senile, blind, and deaf - she tends to poop everywhere, even in the five minutes we're not home. We had been gone around 2 hours when Bear and Turtle came up. Couldn't she notice the nicely arranged girl's room? Or the boys clean room? Or the clear hallway? Or maybe go downstairs and see a cleared out space for the machine? Or the fact that most of the house was clean?
Anyway, I'm home now and I definitely appreciate the work Bear and Turtle have done. I was only irritated by one thing. The clothes rack was placed right next to the desk in a way that crowded me and half the desk. Bear fixed that pretty quickly and I love the space. Bear got me one of the best birthday gifts you could get for me! A strawberry shortcake cake! The big one. With whipped cream frosting. Very delicious. I'm glad the whole house is very organized, clean, and smells fantastic (other than the smell of chicks in the second bedroom). Also just in time for a family visit. Whew.
So, there it is. The dynamics of our quad - the great divides. I sound stuffy in this post, but I've distanced myself from the whole thing. I feel so tired and so drained emotionally. I'm incredibly depressed most of the time now but I try not to be. A lot of it is from dealing with shit as it comes up lately; the fights, the accusations, the blame, the expectations (Turtle and Bear both have called me out on the texting thing which actually makes me want to just break the phone and never text again - then I can plan and budget and play with kids and converse with whoever in peace). Some of it is from restraining myself from doing the same at them; I have SO many problems with them that I don't fuss at them about because it will just make them defensive and Turtle would just have a meltdown. Instead I try to keep peace mostly for my own sanity; although if they were to confront me yet again, they'd better be prepared to see me break the phone. A lot of that are also from other dark thoughts and emotions that I don't wish to share just yet, not really with anyone.
March 11, 2009
"Kink and Drink"
A childfree birthday celebration achieved.
Bear was working and Lily was home alone. I asked if Lily could come up and watch The Sisterhood of the Teaveling Pants 2 with me. Everyone said sure and I sent Theus down to get her. By the time they got back I had developed a new plan and labeled a new party theme.
I then sent Theus to drop the kids off at Grandma’s while Lily and I prepped the plans for the night. When Theus returned, we showered, packed up all the lingerie and alcohol we had in the house and told Bear we had a surprise for him.
Bear was giddy with anticipation and eagerly waited at his dad’s house until we told him it was safe to come home.
We 3 kinsters attacked Lily and Bear’s house with insence, candles, and the smell of cookies (Lily promised Bear fresh baked cookies on his birthday). We cleaned and moved the beds around. Putting the twin bed from the spare bedroom next to the full-size bed in the master bedroom made one big bed! Then we told Bear it was safe to come home.
Dinner was leftover japanese from last night, cookies, and assorted percentages of alcoholic beverages to suit the preference of each person. Theus got WASTED! This was followed with a trip to the bedroom to try out our poly bed. Um, yes. It works just fine.
Sunday, we all woke pleased with ourselves. It was so nice to be all together rather than switching. Lily and I cleaned their place more throughally. Bear and Theus worked on the chicken cages and the truck. Lily and I ran errands and just enjoyed being together. Bear and Theus went to the store for cookout supplies and we had burgers and hotdogs while watching a movie everyone liked; Harold and Kumar- Escape for Guantanimo Bay.
This was a perfect weekend. I smiled the whole time. We were thinking we should do this more often. Maybe a Friday night switch and a Saturday night Quad Night.
Bear was working and Lily was home alone. I asked if Lily could come up and watch The Sisterhood of the Teaveling Pants 2 with me. Everyone said sure and I sent Theus down to get her. By the time they got back I had developed a new plan and labeled a new party theme.
I then sent Theus to drop the kids off at Grandma’s while Lily and I prepped the plans for the night. When Theus returned, we showered, packed up all the lingerie and alcohol we had in the house and told Bear we had a surprise for him.
Bear was giddy with anticipation and eagerly waited at his dad’s house until we told him it was safe to come home.
We 3 kinsters attacked Lily and Bear’s house with insence, candles, and the smell of cookies (Lily promised Bear fresh baked cookies on his birthday). We cleaned and moved the beds around. Putting the twin bed from the spare bedroom next to the full-size bed in the master bedroom made one big bed! Then we told Bear it was safe to come home.
Dinner was leftover japanese from last night, cookies, and assorted percentages of alcoholic beverages to suit the preference of each person. Theus got WASTED! This was followed with a trip to the bedroom to try out our poly bed. Um, yes. It works just fine.
Sunday, we all woke pleased with ourselves. It was so nice to be all together rather than switching. Lily and I cleaned their place more throughally. Bear and Theus worked on the chicken cages and the truck. Lily and I ran errands and just enjoyed being together. Bear and Theus went to the store for cookout supplies and we had burgers and hotdogs while watching a movie everyone liked; Harold and Kumar- Escape for Guantanimo Bay.
This was a perfect weekend. I smiled the whole time. We were thinking we should do this more often. Maybe a Friday night switch and a Saturday night Quad Night.
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